Stop With The Matchsticks Already!
I’ve been dating on and off for five years now. Mainly off, but occasionally I dip my toes back in the murky waters to see if I can find myself a man.
What’s been interesting to observe is that the interactions are often very predictable and it feels as if all the men I’m chatting with are reading from the same script.
One of the most common statements I hear from men is;
“I have a really high sex drive. My ex just wasn’t interested.”
It seems as if having a high sex drive is something that they feel the need to boast about. I’ve been mulling this over for a while now that I’ve heard it said so many times.
To me bragging about having a high sex drive is like boasting about knowing how to light a match.
“Look at me everyone, I can make fire!”
A quick spark and a few short moments of a soon to be forgotten flame.
It’s nothing to be proud of.
What these boys don’t realise is that their matchstick fires do nothing for me.
Show me a man who will wait to strike the match until he has patiently gathered his kindling. A man who has taken the effort to collect the small sticks that are vital in feeding the flame. A man who knows that in order to keep a fire going you need to work hard at having a constant supply of logs. A man who will tend to his fire even when the weather turns and the strong winds blow. I want a man who is willing to wake early to add another piece of wood so the fire doesn’t die out before the sun rises.
Forget the charm, the fit body, the travel tales and the success stories. None of that can compare to a man who will work hard at keeping the fire going.
It seems as if a lot of these men believe that a woman’s sex drive is a permanent state. Like the colour of her eyes, or the sound of her voice. Not realising that every word they say and every action they take impacts and has a ripple effect.
What might feel so elusive and out of reach is often can often be created with just a few steps towards vulnerability and intimacy.
I long to meet a man who has already learned how to nurture a relationship. A man who hasn’t regressed to being a 14 year old boy just because of the screen in his hand. A man who doesn’t use online dating as a way to avoid paying for sex.
Navigating the online singles scene without a road map is not for the faint hearted. Those of us that find us ourselves here after years of marriage are having to learn as we go. Some of us try to keep our integrity intact while others seem to just want to throw caution to the wind.
I know that there are good men out there…I just need to wade through the boys to find the one for me.